As a kid, I used to love day trips. I remember the morning excitement getting ready for the day ahead. Your Dad planning the journey if you hadn’t been to that paticular attraction before, checking the fluid levels in the car and reading the leaflet that tells you all about the activities and fun you are going be having that day (you couldn’t just Google it back then, there was no internet…well there was but it took an hour to dial up and once you had, you’d have to get straight back offline because somebody wanted to use the phone.)
Your mum would be in the kitchen packing a bag with cheese and ham sandwiches and packets of hula hoops along with a flask of tea,”Because you would not believe the price of a cuppa at these places.”
To be fair up until a couple of years ago, even as an adult I still did. The torch had been passed and it was now my job we got there with the car still intact. The Wife was now the caterer and the trip activity researcher. We used to go to Theme parks, the sea life centre, the Safari park and the Zoo etc, quite often. It was fun. Yes thats right, there was a time when we had fun… Before kids.
Fun is still a factor in day trips now, but it’s only because my wife will often say to me, “please try and have fun today.”
So last week, that is exactly what we attempted. I had the week off work and we decided, against my better judgement that it would be nice to take the kids to the zoo. They had never been before, well Princess had, not that she would remember, she was about 6 months old and spent her time either asleep or eating, a bit like the chimps that day actually.
The children love animals and for Bam Bam they’re practically family so, it was to be more like a meeting distant relatives for the first time. “Bam Bam, meet Cheka the Bonobo, doesn’t he have her smile?”
To be fair fun did play a big part of the day, for the kids anyway, they loved it. Me, not so much, I spent the day feeling like Ben Stilller in that film he was in with Jenifer Aniston, where he plays an insurance risk assesor, following that adrenaline junkie around, calculating the probability that he would die!
Our first encounter was with the Meercats. What followed were several ‘compare the Meerkat’ jokes made by yours truly, because theres nothing kids love more than sh*t Dad jokes. Princess was really taken with them (the Meercats not the jokes), so much so, she would keep pushing her brother out of the way in order to attempt to call them over. she must of loved them, as any display of agression against this lad is dangerous. His responce, when you upset him, is similar to the Lions that have been challenged for head of the pride on Animal Planet.
She was not however so taken by every animal, and became quite impatient. I…..er, I mean Bam Bam, wanted to take a look at the Zebra’s but she responded that she wanted to see something else. I tried to swing it by telling her that they were liked pimped out horses with go faster stripes. She was not impressed, sighed and said “oh wow Dad, they have Stripes”
Seriously, this Kid just quashed my first bit of day trip excitement since way before she first came along and pissed on my parade.
Meanwhile, I turned to find Bam Bam, has spotted a rabbit on the Grass and is chasing it around like a f*cking Peter Rabbit/Benny Hill cross over.
After managing to catch the boy and save the rabbits life, we decided to have some lunch. I ended up having to buy a cup of tea as we don’t own a flask. You would not believe the price of a cuppa at these places! Lunch was cut short by getting tired of having to stop the lad from trying to get in the little hut they have for you to get changed in, for the water park, with some woman. Oh I forgot to mention he’s a massive Perv.
He’s only a Perv over older women though, you know, anyone over the age of 10. When it comes to girls his own age he’s quite the charmer. In fact when he wasn’t busy analysing the enclosures for a way in, like a reverse shawshank redemption, he was running off with some little girl that he had accosted and introduced himself to, as well as introducing her to me, his sister and his mum. Feeling like he’d bought her home for dinner, for the first time for our approval.
We bumped into this girl and her mum several times throughout the day and splitting them up again felt like prying newborn kittens from their mother. Watching them together however, I noticed another side to Bam Bam. He was chivalress, affectionate and calm. However, their love was short lived, as i dragged him away for the final time, never to see her again. As was his tranquil attitude and he absolutely lost his sh*t. Welcome back d*ck head.
I’m pretty sure the song about when a man loves a woman, didn’t include any lyrics about smashing your dad in the balls with a plastic penguin if he put her down.
To calm the situation we quickly moved on. We went and had a gander at the monkeys. Bam Bam really was at home here. As Princess and I watched, the baby chimps played, covering themselves in blankets, rolling around and starting play fights with the adults, Bam Bam could be found rolling around the grass with a blanket randomly shouting at me.
He did make me pick him up to take a look at them after a while, and he and one particular chimp continued to mirror and grunt and squeel at each other seemingly intentionally. I think in those 5 minutes that monkey understood him more than I ever have. It was like a scene out of “Planet of the Apes”.
I’ve never trusted that boy not to turn on me. Its a bit like when people say, “he’s so lovely but I would never trust a dog enough to leave them in a room alone with a child”. Bam Bam deep down really is lovely, but I still never trust him not to beat the sh*t out of his sister with a stick when left alone. It was the same here, I had to get him away quick before he started a revolution. One minute this lad is stood looking at a monkey encosure, the next theres cars and buildings on fire, women screaming and Apes on horseback.
You may think it’s a pretty extreme way to talk about your son, but this is the same little boy who we took to the park onsite at the zoo, who took hostages on the play gym! Seriously I ended up having to get up there and get him to let them go.
I was John Mclane from Die Hard.
We had a quick walk through the Lemurs, for most, it was great, they are free to run around you but they tend to hide away unless your really quiet. There was some serious photographers there that day that i dont think were too happy at missing the shot when Bam Bam started shouting, “Oi, come here you!” at their subject.
They would be less impressed if they witnessed 5 minutes later when Bam Bam was sat on the grass at the fence, surrounded by these apparently shy Lemurs, hand feeding them. Again he had developed a connection with yet another species.
I’d like to say he was like a real life Dr Dolittle, but unfortunately he really is just primitive.
I would like to say that all of these events contibuted to the realisation that day trips could still be fun, but in fact the lesson was harder to swallow.
Seeing all those animals, behind fences and glass, with their set meals and small space I found myself thinking that I know that obviously conservation is a positive thing and the animals are treated well, but its not natural for these animals to be in captivity, they should be free to roam in their natural habitat with their own kind.
So with that revelation we have decided it’s time set Bam Bam free, next weekend we release him into the wild.
The Daddy Dreadfuls 